What is DABDA?
Okay, honestly, I didn't know such thing exists till I first heard it on my
favourite TV series Monk. Technically, it is a grieving process
over dead people. However, it has been observed common in people who are going
through break-up and other life changing event. (Just a
thought though, don’t most of you guys consider your exes dead people?) Just
Kidding! Anyway, let me go through the stages real quick:
DABDA
Denial- When unwanted things
happen, denial kicks in (don’t worry, it is normal). When the current
situation is too painful we tend to refuse the truth and try to conceal
whatever bad that has happened by weaving scenes in our head –making us decide
later that there’s no way it happened to us or it just can’t be that the person
you love wronged you. This is the stage where most of your friends are telling
you how jerk he is or how stupid you are being already but you just won’t
listen and you just don’t care. If you’re in this stage at this point: good
luck, the game just started.
Anger- When you start to absorb
the situation, that’s when endless why arise. The thing is
you’ll never have the answer to your questions rather, whatever answer or
explanation given to you just won’t suffice. You begin to realize that life’s
really a bitch –bitterness, anger and yes, even hatred start
to build up, not just for the person who did you wrong but sometimes to the
world or even yourself.
Bargaining- Bargaining comes shortly
after anger or even in the midst of it. It is when you ask the offender to give
you more time or another chance to prove that you are worthy (are you kidding
me?!); It is when you are in
I’m-willing-to-forgive-and-forget-come-on-can-we-start-over mood. I still
remember a scene from my favourite Filipino movie (One More Chance) where the
lead female character was crying and begging to her ex:
"Sana kaya ko na lang sabihin sayo na masaya ako para sayo. Para sa inyo. Sana kaya ko. Sana kaya ko. Pero hindi e. Ang sama-sama kong tao. Kasi ang totoo umaasa pa rin akong sabihin mong sana ako pa rin… ako na lang… ako na lang ulit."
(I’ve seen this movie
many times and yet it makes me cry, every fucking time.) Anyway, I know it’s
hard but please try and lessen your bargaining if you can’t help
yourself.
Depression- When you realized your
bargaining won’t work, depression sets in (sometimes, you go straight to
depression from anger without bargaining). This is your think more-sleep less,
drink more-eat less moments. You then realize that it’s nothing but a cycle:
Overthinking -> Sleepless -> Depression -> Function less; it is very
hard to go through this stage alone so have your friends around as much as
possible. You could drink to your heart’s content; sing your heart out, go
shopping, do whatever you think that would be helpful to overcome depression.
Keeping yourself busy is the best way, I reckon. Enrol on special
courses; get a job or a hubby hobby; join community group or
volunteer somewhere or whatever just stop sulking.
Acceptance- No more denying, bitterness or
depression just purely acceptance. When can you say that you have truly,
finally reached it? Maybe when:
- You are
seeing the situation for what it is
- You stop
being bitter about it
- You are
back to your normal happy-self (look back and laugh at your stupidity)
- You can
be happy and wish the person who wronged you a better life
- It
doesn’t bother you anymore nor does it cause you any kind of pain
Very nice! :)
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