At wit's end

I’M LOST –the idea finally struck me after hours of walking and trying to figure my way home. I know I was somewhere in San Juan but everything seemed unfamiliar to me. It was getting dark and the bad weather made my situation worse. I was walking in some narrow street; it was a bit scary for I can’t see a single person or street lamp ahead. I got goose bumps for some reason I cannot fathom, my instinct tells me I should walk faster. I’m not the kind of person who ignores instinct or voices in my head; just when I decided to run, someone gripped my backpack and pulled me. I tried my best to outpace him but I failed. Irritably, he asked for my stuff. Anger’s all over his face. Scared, I looked straight to his eyes and begged him. I was willing to give him whatever; I only begged for his mercy, I was afraid he’d hurt me.  He just laughed, then I felt surge of pain somewhere in my body. It took me seconds to realize that he gouged me with a knife. I wobbled; everything is just blurry. I was screaming, I remember myself cursing. I promised I would haunt him and whoever gets hold of my stuff.

And then, I woke up. It was raining outside, I have the air condition on yet I was kind of sweaty. It was quarter past midnight. I was so thirty I went straight downstairs for drink. That was one hell of a dream. Must be Crime and Punishment's effect on me. I swear, it was freaking vivid. I just thought to myself: I don’t usually dream but when I do, it’s awful. Took hours for me to shake off the thought and get back to sleep. It was my first night of living alone and bam! So much for I'm-twenty-four-I-should-try-doing-things-on-my-own-and-living-alone, eh? :)

The One That Got Away.

You’ve been asking since day one if you’ll be okay, if you’ll be able to move forward and be happy again. I said of course, without hesitation; in reality, I don’t really know –I guess only time can tell. You were on a dark place, darkest you’ve ever been to, actually. It felt like someone have thrown you in some real deep well and poured pain, anxiety and depression all together –and it drowned you. Thousand times you cried for help –people heard you and wanted to extend a hand but it was like that scene from The Dark Knight Rises where people outside can’t be of any help; only your personal drive could make it possible. You prayed hard and tried countless tactics to get out of that hole; it took you long time to escape, nonetheless, you are a free person once again. You blinked the tears and dusts away and began to look at the world with clearer vision. The experience popped your bubble. Realist has overthrown the Idealist in you and suddenly, thought of faire tales seemed ridiculous and happy endings, well… they appeared to be very rare moments. You start living cautiously –weigh things and give people’s real intent a second thought. As time passed by, you start trusting people again. You find yourself with another person and it was blissful. Then, the inevitable came: just when you are starting to forget him –your paths crossed again. Everything came back just like that, everything at once. You can’t understand what you feel. You start doubting your feelings and your ability to move forward. Perplexed, you asked me how the mere sight of him could possibly affect you that much? It was one hell of a question and I can’t come up with anything valid and acceptable apart from true love.

If you once “cared” and “loved” a person with all your heart, regardless of time and how drastic things have changed, the feelings stay –they just need to be triggered. These feelings may have stopped bothering you but it doesn’t mean it fade away; they just turned stagnant or have gone to a state of coma. If you ask me if true love dies, no, I don’t think so. True love doesn't die on its' own however, it dies with you.

Have you met yours yet?

Okay Gilbert, I get it!

Ranting 101: RH Bill and Urban Poverty

One noon, as I’m making my way to class, I saw some No to RH Bill tarpaulins inside the campus (not surprised since I’m in a catholic university) and it made me contemplate on some things. House Bill 5043 commonly known as the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill is basically an act to provide national policy on reproductive health, responsible parenthood and population development; sounds legit, so what's the fuss about? I’ve no idea, at all.

Philippines is a small country yet if you google world’s largest population, you’d see it on the 12^th spot –which I find alarming. One doesn’t need much thinking to arrive that boom in population would affect the economy (either positively or negatively; but in our case it is obviously negative). Walk the streets and you’ll see how crowded it is, take public vehicles and young people (sometimes carrying baby) would hop in and beg for coins, observe the side streets and evidences of scarcity would be right before your eyes. I loathe people who make rude remarks on these people, I mean, are they even thinking? I don’t think anyone would want to beg for money just to eat. You can’t go and tell them to get a job and make a living; NO, you just don’t say that to people who didn’t make it to school, not to people who barely read or write. They were innocently brought in this world by their parents, who more or less share the same sentiments they are actually having now; it is just a cycle, only it gets worse over time. These people are caged in appalling condition; they didn’t have a choice they never had a choice. With RH Bill, these people can have options; they can start bettering their lives. I reckon it’s absurd to advance that passing RH Bill would turn us to a bunch of murderers; I don’t see this Bill far from Family Planning –it’s just something that has to be properly dispensed to each and every people. We shouldn’t even be worrying about having abortion legalized (hidden agenda) yet; I don’t think it would be such a hit if our people are all educated and have access to anything that could prevent unwanted pregnancy in the first place. I think what’s real evil is to let people multiply like rabbits regardless of their situation and capabilities; it is terrible to bring another mouth into the world you know you can’t feed and most of all, it is unjust to bring another soul you know you can’t give education and liberty to lead a quality life.

Look around; do you still like what you are seeing? It is not enough we admit that quality of life in our country is deteriorating; we must also do something about it.

It's been a year: DABDA

What is DABDA? Okay, honestly, I didn't know such thing exists till I first heard it on my favourite TV series Monk. Technically, it is a grieving process over dead people. However, it has been observed common in people who are going through break-up and other life changing event. (Just a thought though, don’t most of you guys consider your exes dead people?) Just Kidding! Anyway, let me go through the stages real quick:

DABDA

Denial- When unwanted things happen, denial kicks in (don’t worry, it is normal). When the current situation is too painful we tend to refuse the truth and try to conceal whatever bad that has happened by weaving scenes in our head –making us decide later that there’s no way it happened to us or it just can’t be that the person you love wronged you. This is the stage where most of your friends are telling you how jerk he is or how stupid you are being already but you just won’t listen and you just don’t care. If you’re in this stage at this point: good luck, the game just started.

Anger- When you start to absorb the situation, that’s when endless why arise. The thing is you’ll never have the answer to your questions rather, whatever answer or explanation given to you just won’t suffice. You begin to realize that life’s really a bitch –bitterness, anger and yes, even hatred start to build up, not just for the person who did you wrong but sometimes to the world or even yourself.

Bargaining- Bargaining comes shortly after anger or even in the midst of it. It is when you ask the offender to give you more time or another chance to prove that you are worthy (are you kidding me?!); It is when you are in I’m-willing-to-forgive-and-forget-come-on-can-we-start-over mood. I still remember a scene from my favourite Filipino movie (One More Chance) where the lead female character was crying and begging to her ex:

"Sana kaya ko na lang sabihin sayo na masaya ako para sayo. Para sa inyo. Sana kaya ko. Sana kaya ko. Pero hindi e. Ang sama-sama kong tao. Kasi ang totoo umaasa pa rin akong sabihin mong sana ako pa rin… ako na lang… ako na lang ulit."

(I’ve seen this movie many times and yet it makes me cry, every fucking time.) Anyway, I know it’s hard but please try and lessen your bargaining if you can’t help yourself.

Depression- When you realized your bargaining won’t work, depression sets in (sometimes, you go straight to depression from anger without bargaining). This is your think more-sleep less, drink more-eat less moments. You then realize that it’s nothing but a cycle: Overthinking -> Sleepless -> Depression -> Function less; it is very hard to go through this stage alone so have your friends around as much as possible. You could drink to your heart’s content; sing your heart out, go shopping, do whatever you think that would be helpful to overcome depression. Keeping yourself busy is the best way, I reckon. Enrol on special courses; get a job or a hubby hobby; join community group or volunteer somewhere or whatever just stop sulking.

Acceptance- No more denying, bitterness or depression just purely acceptance. When can you say that you have truly, finally reached it? Maybe when:

•  You are seeing the situation for what it is
•  You stop being bitter about it
•  You are back to your normal happy-self (look back and laugh at your stupidity)
•  You can be happy and wish the person who wronged you a better life
•  It doesn’t bother you anymore nor does it cause you any kind of pain

Damn, I should be working on my biochemistry report but I got side-tracked again. Grrr. ahsjavdjksgui@!!!